


Born to die

by SolSolidago



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F, It starts nice, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Therapy, but beware, cis woman au, it gets kinda dark, lesbians au, psychiatrist patient
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-01-21 16:10:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12461277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SolSolidago/pseuds/SolSolidago
Summary: Katya is assigned to a new psychiatrist with a hot secretary that turns out to be the doctor's niece, a good girl that Katya can't wait to corrupt. But, is it really that simple?





	1. Chapter 1

In front of her the figure of a tall, wide-shouldered woman was cut into the big window behind. She could catch a glimpse of a park there, green, illuminated, with lots of people. The number of people there wasn’t something rare; New York is after all one of the most populated cities in the world. Is it, though? Katya didn’t know for a fact, but she supposed so, she made a mental note to google it later. 

What could have been considerate weird was that the people in the park where interacting with each other, or at least it looked like they were from where Katya was sat. In New York people didn’t usually interact with their fellow passersby. That’s what they all were in the end, just a bunch of passersby that were put in the earth, maybe against their will even, obliged to interact with each other. To form societies, families, links. To answer to one greater good that may not even exist. And still we get to ignore each other, as if some of us were better than others. As if power actually meant something.

The woman in front of her, that was mostly just a big black figure cut into the light, cleared out her throat.

‘’You still haven’t answered my question, darling.’’ She said with a smile. Or at least Katya thought she might be smiling.

‘’What was it, again?’’ Katya asked, not ashamed at all. She was paying her, why would she be ashamed? 

‘’How are you?’’ The psychiatrist asked in what seemed to be a condescending tone ‘’And if you feel so eager to make a thesis about the world in those terms maybe you should considered going back to university’’

‘’I’ve told you. I don’t want to do that.’’

‘’Then why have you spent half an hour of your session talking about other people? What do you think that means?’’ Katya looked at the park behind her doctor and thought about something clever to say.

‘’I don’t trust you. I can barely see you.’’ Katya frowned, trying to see ‘’is it on purpose, though? Do you want your patients not to see you? Is this some kind of psychological shit?’’

‘’I don’t think that’s the real reason you don’t trust me, Yekaterina.’’ The woman, she couldn’t remember her name; it was something white and common like Barbra or Brenda, said with a severe tone. She probably had brunch on Saturdays and had never let a patient see her without her nails perfectly done, that’s if they get to see her. ‘’Why do you think you have this anger feelings?’’

Katya felt so exasperated, she wanted to quit this so badly. She didn’t have the answers, that’s why she had come here in the first place. Well, that and also because she had to come. She wanted to be told what was wrong with her, she didn’t want to have to fucking think, she could do that comfortably at home and for free. But she knew she was just being a brat about it, she had read a bit about these things back in college and she knew that the specialist, no matter how specially specialized it was, wouldn’t be able to give her the answers unless she tried harder.

‘’I don’t know. I kind of don’t want to do this.’’

‘’And why is that?’’

‘’ Cause it’s a lot of fucking work and I don’t have the energy to do it’.’

‘’But you know it is necessary.’’ 

‘’Also, I don’t like you.’’ She said, once again, not ashamed ‘’You are not relatable.’’

‘’You know what I think?’’ The woman asked, waiting for answer that she wasn’t going to get any soon. She knew it. ‘’I think you are scared of finding out what are you hiding inside.’’

Katya Snorted and mumble something that sounded close to ‘Course I fucking am’. Her right hand was trembling, and her look kept being lured in the direction of the modern clock in the wall. In her head she was singing some song she had heard somewhere, almost as eager to find out what it was as she was to smoke a fag. Her nails were bitten and the skin on the sides was also bitten. Her hand had been scratched until it bled several times, there were scars, very visible scars even though she had tried to cover them with foundation. She knew that the woman in front of her was avoiding talking about that on purpose; she knew about that, she knew about other things, she knew a lot. She had read that long, long paper her previous therapist had written about her fucked up patient that was so fucked up that she couldn’t treat her anymore and needed to transfer her to some ‘’more qualified’’. And qualified she was, Katya could count at least ten diplomas hanging in her wall. She wondered if the psychiatrist had one specialized in fucked up people and she laughed at the thought.

‘’Why are you thinking, Yekaterina?’’ The woman asked. Asking was all she had done.

‘’Actually, is Katya. Also, are you going to be able to treat me? Or are you going to freak out and send me to someone with twenty diplomas on the wall?’’ The doctor laughed at this, and Katya felt she was being laughed at.

‘’Okay, Katya,’’ She said, mocking her a bit ‘’you are not nearly the most weird or difficult patient I have here. You are one of those my secretary doesn’t even pay attention to because she knows you are not going to break the plant or throw a tantrum.’’ Why was she being so evil to her? Was she trying to make her feel bad? Was that her strategy?

‘’Oh, your secretary did pay attention to me. A lot, actually.’’ She said, a bit angry, she didn’t know exactly why, but she wanted to make the woman angry too. This was a game two could play. ‘’Very, very nice girl, is it your daughter? Looks a bit like you, but hotter.’’

The woman was quiet for a minute, looking at her like trying to decipher something in her face, trying to find the answer. For a second Katya thought she had had her way, that she had won, she didn’t know what was there to win, but she had won it. That was before she saw the doctor clearing her throat ‘’I thought the window behind me didn’t let you see me’’ She said with her lips like a line.

‘’I was just exaggerating. I can’t see quite well because I took off my glasses, I’m not blind though.’’ She answered, putting her glasses back on and crossing her eyes, trying not exactly to be funny, more like to be annoying.

‘’Why do you think your previous therapist transferred you to me?’’ 

Katya smiled, she saw that the doctor wasn’t going to fall for her games so easily, had Sasha told her about how much she liked to mess around? She knew exactly how to piss her off, she had found the spot.

‘’I’ll tell you if you tell me about your secretary’’

‘’I’m afraid I can’t do that, Yekaterina.’’ The women answered, firmly and more seriously this time. ‘’We are not playing a game. This is about your safety and your health, I am here to listen to you so please do not be afraid. You know this is confidential.’’

Katya contemplated her own hands and thought that wearing gloves would be a better solution than trying so hard to cover her scratches that would be visible anyways. Yes, feminine and elegant gloves that would make her look like a woman of grace and dignity. She wondered if her psychiatrist’s secretary liked gloves. She was going to find out.

‘’I think I know why Sasha transferred me.’’ Katya began, still contemplating her hands, putting them in front of the window, making them just two black hands, with no scratches anymore. They looked prettier that way. ‘’She wasn’t getting anything out of me.’’

‘’Do you think that’s everything?’’ The woman pushed.

‘’Yes.’’ Katya answered, making her hands dance in front of the window, pretending to be focused on that, but only trying to get a reaction out of her doctor. Trying to get the only reaction she wanted. She heard her sigh.

‘’You know that’s not the only thing.’’ Katya shrugged, only five minutes left for her session to be over and then she could be free for two days before having to see her again. 

‘’What is making you afraid of opening up to me?’’

‘’I am opening up.’’

‘’We both know you aren’t. We know that all this papers written about you only cover a small percentage of what is really going on. I didn’t want to offend you by saying that you are one of my most normal patients, you are, but I know there’s something hiding.’’

‘’What do you want me to tell you?

The Doctor put her hands on the table, looking serious.

‘’What are those scratches on your hands?’’ There it was, the question Katya had been waiting for. ‘’And I know for a fact that those are not the only scars I have to ask you about.’’

‘’You know what they are. You had it written on your papers.’’

‘’I want you to tell me what they mean’’

Katya looked at the psychiatrist straight in the eyes, finding her opportunity.

‘’Is your secretary your daughter?’’ She asked once again.

‘’No. She is my niece’’ The doctor answered quickly, knowing that she might be getting somewhere with Katya in what was their third session. Katya caressed one of her hand with the other, she lowered her body in the chair, tired of being sat so straight.

‘’Ok, so, this time I was at the bus stop, but the bus didn’t seem to come, it was late, it was already so, so late even though it had been only five minutes. I was late, so the bus being late was just a nightmare. It was really, really cold, so I had to wear a turtleneck and a scarf, and you’ll see, I hate having to wear things on my neck, they make me feel like I’m being choked, which is something I rather do to others than having others doing it to me’’ She added with a smile. ‘’ So the bus wasn’t coming and the shirt was choking me and I just couldn’t breathe, I took off my scarf, I ripped the fabric of the shirt in my neck, in all fours in the middle of the street, you can imagine what a nice little show it was for my neighbors, they were just thrilled’’ She said, putting a little extra on the pronunciation on the last word and then laughing. The doctor just kept looking at her. ‘’And then I realize that I couldn’t breathe no matter what, so I start scratching my hands, begging that it would make my mind concentrate on that and not in my inability to breathe. They started bleeding and bleeding and I just couldn’t stop.’’

‘’Is there where…it happened?’’ The woman asked, referring to something else that Katya didn’t want to explain yet.  
The door opened and there she was, the niece. This big blond bombshell with huge breasts and a face that said she wouldn’t be able to kill a bug, sweet, gorgeous and straight out of an eighties’ movie. Katya imagined that she was a princess pillow, one of those that like to be commanded, that like their hair gripped real tight and their ass smacked for good. She returned her look to her psychiatrist, an evil grin on her face. She was going to enjoy this.

‘’No, it wasn’t’’ She answered before going back to staring at this princess Barbie that stood by the door.

The doctor turned her look to her secretary, swallowing.

‘’Yes, Trixie?’’ So Trixie was her name, what a horrible name, she thought. It sounded old and cheap and just not good, it didn’t fit her, or maybe it did. Maybe Trixie was the only person that could make Trixie work as a name. The girl stood there with her mouth open, just about to say something but thrown back by the way Katya was staring at her, so hungrily that it made her blush.

‘’Uhm, I’m sorry to interrupt, your next patient is waiting, doctor’’ Trixie said, her lips moving endearingly, her pink lipstick a little gone, probably due to the passing of hours.

‘’Why does your niece call you ‘Doctor’?’’ Katya asked, laughing at how stupid it was.

‘’Goodbye, Katya, I’ll see you on Friday’’ The doctor said, writing some final things before looking for the next patient’s papers.

Trixie looked at her with a silent laugh, probably also thinking that it was fucking stupid, but being request to do it, she looked so young and full of…Katya didn’t know, nice things? Nice thoughts? Just definitely not the kind of girl that should be working at a mad house. Katya stood up and made a reverence in another attempt to make Trixie laugh, the doctor smiled to her like she knew more than Katya thought, and maybe she did, maybe she didn’t, they would see in the end.

Back in the reception, Trixie made the other patient come in. As soon as he got into the room, Katya realized that she could hear their conversation and started laughing.

‘’So that probably means that you heard everything I said’’ Katya stated, still laughing. Trixie laughed quietly and said no with her head.

‘’He is just very loud, I promise I didn’t hear anything you said’’

**

The blonde girl kept on looking at her while she accommodated some of the papers. She felt uncomfortable, scared to do something dumb and look like a fool. Maybe she was looking at her belly, maybe the pink dress she was wearing made her look fat, was it that? Why was that girl staring so much at her? What is up with this girl? She had to treat with a lot of sick people on a daily basis, but this particular patient looked so…normal, so pretty and had a bright white smile. It was just odd; she was not the kind of person she would see here. Was it that? Or was it that Trixie just wasn’t paying enough attention? Three months in the office might not be enough to judge.

Trixie turned around, faking an annoyed face to hide her embarrassment at the strong look the possibly older woman was giving her.

‘’Are you waiting for someone?’’ Trixie asked, covering her stomach with her hands without wanting to, but just too self-conscious to stop herself. Katya looked confused by the question and evidently lied when she answered.’

‘’Yes’’ She said with a bright smile. ‘’Why? Should I go?’’

Trixie stared at the door, hearing the now very loud, but still muffled, sound of the crying of the patient inside the consulting room and stared back at Katya.

‘’I don’t think you should hear what he is saying, it’s kind of personal and confidential, you should know’’ Trixie said smiling, trying to not be too bitchy and to not let her see that the real reason was that she was making her uncomfortable.

‘’You are hearing him too’’ Katya answered, quickly. She seemed like the kind of person that always has to have the better answer.

‘’You know it is not the same. I work here’’ She said while pretending to accommodate some more papers on her desk. Reality was that she didn’t know what the fuck she was doing, she would have to clean the mess after, when she would be safe from the other girl’s burning stare. Katya, that’s the name she had given her when she got to the reception. Katya was staring at her with a playful smile that almost made her angry, she reminded her of her aunt, looking like she knew something the others didn’t. ‘’Katya, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.’’

Katya smile brightly with a perfect line made of white teeth that shine in contrast of her red bloody lipstick.

‘’You remembered my name’’ The girl said like it was the best thing it had happened to her today, it made Trixie blush, not that she would notice under all that make up, but she still did blush. ‘’I’m sorry it’s just that you are so gorgeous and I don’t wanna sound like all those stupid men that harass women, so if you ask me to go I will do it because I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable…’’

‘’Where is this going to?’’ Trixie interrupted her, now so red that even under all her make up Katya was probably able to see her blush. Jesus, probably people down the road could see her blush like a red alarm.

‘’Would you go out with me?’’ Katya asked with a beautiful smile. It was definitely something Trixie wasn’t expecting.

‘’Are you for real?’’ Katya nodded, not ashamed at all. ‘’Katya, I don’t even know you, I can’t go on a date with you.

‘’ Then how are you going to get to know me if you don’t go out with me?’’

Trixie could think of a million ways that could be done, through social media, texts, even right there in the office. She wasn’t going to tell her, though, Katya probably had thought of that already and still decided that it would be a good idea, also, the idea of going out with her was scaring, but still somehow appealing. She couldn’t think of what to say until she heard the voice of the patient inside the consulting room.

‘’Katya, I’m sorry, I don’t think that would be very ethical’’

‘’Oh, c’mon, you are not the one treating me’’ Katya complained ‘’I swear that it will be an amazing time and that if you don’t like it I won’t talk to you ever again and I’ll even find another therapist’’.

Trixie swallowed hard, not knowing what to say.

‘’I’ll think about it, okay? Now please go’’


	2. Chapter 2

The door may or may not have been knocked over several times in the past half hour. Katya could imagine the door beating, and even though she knew that wouldn’t happen she still pictured the nails of the only person that could be knocking getting their shape on the poor wooden door that was already worn.  
The blond girl lay on her bed with a beautiful expensive looking red nightgown that had no other purpose than the dramatic touch it was giving her. She was imagining a lot of things; for example, right now she could picture herself as the leading star in a film, with a camera on her roof capturing every single one of her graceful moves and the slim trail of her cigarette smoke. The whole look could have been better if she had showered, her oily hair not being appealing in the minimum. That’s a thing about mental illness, it is never as fancy as the show it in the movies.  
Her palms were sweaty, her throat was dry and her heart beat like it was trying to get the fuck out of her chest. It made her wanna vomit, but she used all of her strength to not do it, a voice inside her telling her that the only thing she was going to throw up was blood. She felt the iron in her tongue, her heart still beating against her ribs, scared that they might break.  
The person at the door started shouting. Started? There was actually no way Katya would be able to tell when had it started and when had it ended, at least she hoped it would end. She couldn’t make the words out, they were a confusing rumble of strange and possibly not even actual words, more like the sound of a cow in the last seconds of her life. Katya wanted to ignore it, but knew for sure that the person at her door wasn’t going to leave anytime soon. The same song she had been singing the past few days was reproducing, just some faint words with a confusing melody that didn’t make much of a sense.  
With the music on it was even harder for Katya to try and figure out what was the person at her door trying to say. It didn’t make sense until she opened her eyes. She had been half asleep the whole time, she didn’t have any stupid nightgown on, did she even own one? She was perhaps going to buy one, that was if she managed to get the fuck up and open the door. The dream had been so real that Katya felt like she hadn’t slept at all.  
Violet’s screams were real at least, and now, without the music and without the other distracting facts, she realized that she was reciting the most beautiful poem of well-thought insults towards Katya, all of the insults that the younger girl had in her vocabulary. She hurried to open, not because she actually cared but because she wasn’t in the mood to have to deal with angry neighbors.  
When Katya opened the door she was almost received by a punch on her face, since the opening of the door took Violet by surprise, her knocking having to stop abruptly before leaving Katya with a black eye, not that she would mind, Katya thought, just that right now she was trying to play the supportive friend role and it wouldn’t have coherence to punch her.  
‘’Looks like someone decided to get out of the fucking bed for once’’ Violet said with a bitter tone, pushing a bag with most probably food on its insides. Had Violet cooked for her? Was that even a chance? It made Katya smile faintly, still a bit asleep and not totally able to respond in time. She probably had a four seconds delay; it reminded her of the good old Meth times… not so good perhaps. ‘’Fucking move already and let me get inside’’  
Katya finally took the food bag and let Violet in, who wrinkled her nose at the smell.  
‘’Have you ever thought of opening the curtains, this place smells gross’’ Violet complained, as usual.  
‘’Weren’t you supposed to take charge of that?’’ Katya said, looking inside the bag and finding some pie that she had no idea Violet was capable of making. Sure, she was a complete artist when it came to sewing, but cooking? Katya couldn’t help but make a mocking smile.  
‘’You are a grown up girl already’’ Violet answer half-hearted, a bit concerned that it wasn’t true. ‘’Fuck, Katya, you said that you would be alright on your own’’ She said, annoyed.  
Katya rolled her eyes, not ready for this kind on conversation again so soon.  
‘’I am, jesus, Violet, don’t act so concerned. I am still alive, am I not?’’ The blonde girl tried to joke, not getting a good answer.  
‘’Sure, so fucking funny’’ Violet said, but not pushing Katya any further. Not now at least, but they both knew the conversation would take place sooner or later. Katya stood there, looking at nothing, not knowing what to do next. ‘’Just put some plates on the table and let’s see how awful this thing is’’  
It turned out that the pie wasn’t that bad, Violet was after all good at following instructions. They ate in silence, uncomfortable with unspoken subjects that were trying to rise to the surface, but they were both good adults that knew how to suppress emotions.  
**  
It had been a normal Thursday night for Trixie. She didn’t have to work in her aunt’s office on Thursdays, so she could advocate to studying and maybe even composing a bit, that was only if she was in the mood, and that was not the occasion.  
Trixie had been in what could be called a complicated relationship with this guy. Well, it was definitely complicated, but could it be called a relationship, though? She wasn’t sure, but she was so fucking tired of trying to explain it to other people, but most importantly, she was fucking tired of trying to explain it to herself, did things always had to be this difficult? She had had relationships before, and most of them had been hard, but lately Trixie find it harder and harder to find things to make her want to stay with him.  
Why did she make such an effort? She was sure he didn’t spend his nights, or his mornings or even his afternoons (yes, she was a sad human being) wondering if this relationship was worthy. Now, she had been waiting for 34 exactly hours for an answer that she started to doubt if it was ever going to arrive, normally, she would be crying right now, asking herself why this fucktard didn’t love her as she deserved while listening to her Dolly Parton CD, but there was something different, unusual in her, rumbling her mind.  
The girl was an enormous fan of romantic movies, she loved all of them, from the cheesy ones to the omg-I-can’t-believe-I’m-watching-this-shit ones. She loved the idea of love, the idea of people, she loved to spend hours in bed imagining herself or even others in complicated relationships, forbidden relationships, impossible affairs and everything that comes with that. Problem was her imagination was way better than real life was, for example, when she had just become eighteen years old she confessed to her then boyfriend that she was bisexual, thinking that he would be the prince to understand and love her no matter what. That same night the guy started getting paranoid, telling her to change her clothes to something that wouldn’t show her boobs as much (as if that was even possible) , telling her that she only dressed like that and used make up because she wanted to attract other girls.  
One week later, he ‘’accidentally’’ found her at the club where her and her girlfriends were hanging. Putting all sort of excuses at first he tried to make her leave with him, to what Trixie would deny, after all she was there to be with her friends and have some fun. She didn’t know what was going on with him until he, filled with anger and jealousy, took her phone and throw it to the wall. Don’t be mistaken, Trixie is a big and tall girl, but at that moment she felt like the smallest thing in the world, like a little fragile child afraid of what adults could do to her, all of the trauma she had with her step father arising for the depth of her heart. Her body started trembling and she felt sick, almost to the point of fading. The guy took advantage of that, and saying to the other girls that Trixie was not feeling okay, he took her to her parent’s house.  
Trixie was still in one corner of her bed, trying to make herself little, trying to deny what was happening and the way he was acting, but it was impossible. Even for the girl that sees the good in every relationship, watching him read all of her conversations with her friends in her laptop without her permission, trying to find an excuse to keep on yelling at her, it was just too much. She finally realized she had to do something when he tried to force her to have sex with him under the excuse that he needed to know that she really loved her. So she screamed and her brother arrived before anything else could happen. She wasn’t very sure of what had happened next, that was an episode she was very keen to erase from her mind.  
That and some other bad relationships had been Trixie’s love life, just a continuous series of fucked up and horrible guys that where possessive and insecure. That’s why when Mark had arrived things appeared to be a little better, he was just the opposite of every guy Trixie had dated (even though she considered herself bisexual she had never been with a woman), he didn’t feel insecure about Trixie being this gorgeous girl with big curves that one could easily fall in love with it, he didn’t mind about her spending time with her friends, or not being able to see him because of work, or studies or music. He seemed perfect at the time, just letting her be, that was until she realized he didn’t really care about anything at all.  
It was the first time she was the insecure one in a relationship, and it fucking sucked. Trixie sometimes felt like she had been crying for men her entire life and right now she was too tired to keep on thinking about that, that’s why she focused on something, or rather someone, else. She had kind of lied to Katya, her aunt’s patient, yesterday when she asked her out, she didn’t really mind about the patient-doctor relationship between her and her aunt, after all she didn’t even think she was going to stay there for long, she didn’t even cared about not knowing her, after all she loved romance and the idea of a beautiful woman she didn’t really know fancying her. But, there was Mark, and how could she explain it? ‘’I’m kind of in a relationship and I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be faithful because he won’t even return my messages’’? . She knew she didn’t have to come up with an excuse, she could’ve just said no. But she didn’t want to say no and that was the problem.  
So, Trixie had this idea in her mind that was really, really bad and unethical, but she just couldn’t get it out of her head. Before their conversation, Trixie had read some of Katya’s profile in her aunt’s resume, and of course she wouldn’t have done it after Katya asked her out, but she had done it before. It was a really little piece of information that she just happened to glance, not going any further since she was just another patient. But, that little glance had been enough for Trixie to remember that Katya used to work at a strip club not far away, she didn’t even know if Katya was still working there, but in her dreamy mind she just pictured them casually finding each other there and…well, she wasn’t sure how that would follow from there.  
She looked at her phone, finding that Mark still hadn’t replied, but instead there was a message form her friend Matt, asking her if she had finally made up her mind about what there were doing that night. She opened the chat with Mark and saw the last message she had sent, so important and yet still no answer. Trixie then made up her mind about what she was doing that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who didn’t die, idk maybe this chapter was boring but next one will be better (let’s hope I write it soon)

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! If you have please leave a comment. English is not my first leanguage, so if you have any correction/recomendation I will gladly accept it.


End file.
